What I will say is not a dream, not an utopia and neither a passage from Aiskylos. It’s my story. I’ve born as a Kurdish girl in the darkness of a triangle. And of course that come with a price to pay. They’ve teared my dreams, hopes and soul from my body. They tightly covered up the reason of all of their sins, and my body.

 

I live in a triangle. I’m drowning while screaming silently in my invisible tears. I want an out from the darkness; by getting mixed with the colors of a rainbow. I know what it’ll cost. And I am scared of it. Of what? Of whom? The pen in my hand is crawling because of shame. The ink refuses to write on the pure white page. The letters are running all over the page. Crooked words denies to be in these sentences.

I’m begging to my pen, I’m begging to the words “you should help me,” I beg “I should talk; people should know my story.”  They can not stand my cries for help and pity me, and they start… scared that. I’m the shadow woman whose soul been ripped out of her body.

I’m the pudicity of my father, brother then my husband, my son. I shall endure all the bully, I shall obey without a single question. I shall not think. I shall read but not question. I already have guardians that think, question and decide for me. I shall be grateful for that until the end of time. Haven’t my etched tongue or manacled heart bleed at all? Do you think that my body haven’t look for my soul? For sure it did. “you can search for your soul, you can complete yourself. But you’ll be the prey for the wolves in the triangle. Your body will be ripped inside out just like your soul.” Said my mother, said my grandmother.

 

I have a Babylonian body. I have hairs that make men commit sins. I also have eyes that do the same, I also have hands… .There is no other way to survive in the triangle. I should pay my redemption by obeying. I am a mother, a lover, a wife, a woman. I am the source of life itself. They’re scared of me! They’re scared of my light. And the more I get buried in the darkness, they get scared even more. My son…that I carried for 9 months in my belly and raised with silent lullabies, my son… the apple of my eyes, my son… who's small hands I kissed with all the love in the world.

My first love, my fearless hero my father and my brother… My husband, my lover that whispers love poems in my ear…turned into my killers suddenly. I live in a triangle that is surrounded by religion, government and traditions. My language is forbidden, my dreams are forbidden, my identity is conquered. All takes me into its unending darkness. And it’s growing while feeds itself by my light ,and it gets more vicious, and it builds a larger kingdom at my expense.

 

They’ve stole my soul from my body. I’m the shadow woman, my heart is the phoenix. It keeps burning but keep coming back to life from its ashes. I want my soul back. I want to scream, sing, dance my heart out in my mother tongue. I want to hold onto a birds’ wings and fly to the clouds. No... no, I want to fly without holding onto anything. I want to live the freedom I’ve learned from books. Do you think I can get back on my feet? Can my soul and body unite again? Can I talk or dream freely? Can I live without any fear as just a woman? Oh God, how wild are my ideas, how unreachable are my dreams… I’m the shadow woman, whose body is looking for her soul. And am walking with walk the road by holding into pieces of hope… ~ Siya Jîn